Core Need Denial Trauma

When we are victims of people who denied our core needs, we may suffer from denial trauma.

Denial trauma sounds like the following:

“I’d rather ask for forgiveness than ask for permission.”

“I’m going to do it anyway because I know they’ll say no.”

“I’m not going to ask because I don’t want to be disappointed. I’m just going to take it.”

“I know it’s a no. I’ll make it a yes.”

“I know it’s a no. There’s no point in trying.”

Denial trauma came out because we dealt with a pathological personality who said things like…

“Stop trying. Your core need is not going to get met.”

“You don’t deserve anything.”

“You only deserve bad things.”

“Nobody loves you. Nobody cares. Nobody hears you.”

“Nobody will believe you.”

“They may have that, but you need to get used to never having it.”

“I can’t stand your stupidity asking for that. Who do you think you are?”

“Yeah? You’re going to ask for that? Get out.”

After asking politely for your basic needs: “You’re such a bully.”

“You’re getting pretty comfortable asking for all that. The answer is no and you’d better watch it! You have no idea how lucky you are to be alive.” (you need to get to safety stat and potentially consider reporting if they have made an attempt on your life)

Core Needs

Food

Water

Access to at least one person in good mental health (logical, understanding)

Safety

Shelter

Basic financial security

Human interaction with safe people

Stability

Consensual touch

Access to public services

Bathrooms

Regulated nervous system

Suitable amount of personal space

Basic property rights/stability

Basic compensation justice

Functional court system

Nonabusive public services

Basic body boundaries

What I want to say to you

I’m really proud of you for saying no to voices that limited your right to core needs like love, food, shelter, friends, financial abundance, education, and happiness.

I’m really proud of the way you advocated for yourself despite someone attacking your right to have your core needs met.

I know it’s excessively painful and incredibly challenging to keep your mind clear and focused on what is healthy versus pathological when they are trying to skew your compass in their favor.

I’m really glad you know the difference between acceptable and unacceptable denials.

I’m really glad you have your head on straight and know what the priorities are.

I’m really glad you know how to say no to the unacceptable denial.

What I also want to say to you…

When it’s not a core need, you do need to ask for permission.

When someone is naturally responsive and willing, you do need to ask for permission.

When you think someone is a “safe yes person” and will say yes, but you’re too afraid of rejection to try, you do need to ask still, even if you ask with a lump in your throat or feel embarrassed. No punishing people for not reading your mind. You must ask.

Here’s the difference between a safe yes person and unsafe person.

Safe yes person: “I can’t say yes to that now, but I can provide you with some alternatives that won’t leave you high and dry. Here they are.”

Unsafe person: “I can’t say yes to that, and I don’t care about your basic needs. Get out of my face.”

Safe yes person: “I understand you really need that. I hear that. What can I do to help you in a way that also respects what we both need? Let’s work this out.”

Unsafe person: “I understand you need that, but I need it more. And if I were on the other side, I would expect to be privileged in that case too.”

Safe yes person: “I can say yes to that, absolutely. How would you like to contribute so we can both walk away feeling good about this?”

Unsafe person: “I can’t say yes, and you have all these things you need to make up for too now that I think about your asking. Take care of that and get lost! Who do you think you are, asking for that? You think you’re as hot/smart/talented/young/old/special/unprivileged/privileged as me?”

Remember, safe yes people are

Exceptional

Sensitive

Generous

Not the norm

Empathetic

Negotiating

Considerate

Flexible

Understanding

The glue of goodwill

The glue of society

Humble

Loving

Not the unsafe people

Unsafe people

Make the world unsafe

Don’t know how to say no without causing harm

Don’t hear the need behind the request because they have low empathy

Make people tuck into themselves

Take pleasure in your pain

Are envious

Are enraged

Are entitled

The destruction of goodwill

The destruction of society

Deeply traumatized

..but as a person in need, their trauma is not your problem!

Not the safe yes people for now, even if they think they are

How to recuperate after interacting with an unsafe person:

“I realize how they handled that was very wrong. I won’t gaslight myself about that. I need some time to grieve how badly they did on that task/interaction.”

“I will move on to a “safe yes” person without trying to force this person to see how badly they did. If I asked clearly, directly and respectfully then they are unable to see it, and that’s why they did so poorly. It’s time for me to seek out better. I understand they may gaslight me about some elements of this. I don’t need to worry about that anymore. I need to focus on my needs.”

“I deserve to have my basic needs met.”

“There are safe people who validate me in how wrong this person was to act that way.”

“I validate myself in knowing how wrong that person was to act that way. I will not be gaslit.”

“I focus on myself now.”

“My core needs are valid, my core needs are not too much, my core needs are my priority.”

“I will seek out safe yes people now. They still exist, I know they do. Where can I up my chances of finding them?”

“How can I thank and take care of the safe yes people who have shown up in my life?”

“It’s ok if I need to just focus on me during this time. I can thank them when I have this all sorted out.”

Consequences of abusing “safe yes” people

Less safe yes people in the world

Less interpersonal trust

Societal traumatization

Possibility of the “safe yes” person turning into a “permanent no” person.

How to Thank the Safe yes People in Your Life

Positive compliments

Accurate compensation

Protection from abusers

Their favorite things

What I Want You To Know

You are heard.

You can speak up for your needs and get them met without feeling bad about how you got your needs met.

You can get what you need from the world without feeling really bad afterwards.

You can show up for yourself.

You have what it takes to say no to unacceptable denials in a safe way.

You belong with “safe yes” people.

You are wanted with “safe yes” people.

You can ask “safe yes” people for help and permission even if you want to cry or it really hurts. You can do it. You have what it takes.

There are safe yes people, please keep fighting to find them.

Please be compassionate to yourself on the way there.

You do not have to pay attention to unsafe people while they don’t care.

It is amazing and wonderful that you know to focus on your core needs before anything else and to get those met.

It is amazing and wonderful how you take care of those who helped you on the way up once you are ok.

You are heard, you are not alone, you can do this even though it is so sad and painful sometimes.

There are healthy people out there.

You can find long term stability, sanity, and safety.

You are amazing.

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